Hello interwebs... I guess it has been a couple of months... Lots of stuff going on and it is hard to find time to blog... But I feel the need tonight because I have come to some realizations today and I need to get it all out of my head so I can think rationally again. Then I can start to figure out a plan to fix things.
Earlier this school year I was offered the chance to teach an extra period during the day because our math analysis classes were too large. As a result, I lost my prep period. It seemed like no big deal at the time, but it has turned out to be a very exhausting gig. And I don't have as much time to get grading and planning done and copies made during the day. The extra money is nice though, so I will keep at it.
Because my planning time has been reduced, my AVID class has suffered. I am supposed to be getting them ready for college, but this year has degenerated into thrown together activities that don't make a lot of sense and study hall time that they don't take advantage of. There is no cohesion and I am doing them all a disservice. This realization came hard today when our AVID coordinator (a good friend) had a sit down talk with me. She was great. She wanted to help me get back on track and we will figure out how she can do that. I like teaching AVID, I just feel very inadequate with the curriculum. I don't know how to teach like that. I never have before, so it is scary for me. I just need to get over myself and do it. I will probably mess it up somehow, but that has to be okay. My students are walking all over me and I need to put a stop to it. I hope they understand that I am trying to help them. I am not sure how I will approach it yet, but it will happen. I have tried before to take better control of the class, but I can't sustain it. I need to figure out how I can.
This has been a difficult year for me anyways. I have had a lot more anxiety. The Common Core Standards have me all wigged out for whatever reason. I am unsatisfied with the Algebra 2 curriculum this year. Something just isn't right but I don't know what it is or how to fix it. I want to do things differently but I don't know how and it frustrates me. This is my eighth year of teaching, I should be able to adapt better and try new things without having an anxiety attack. I worry too much about what our administration and my fellow math teachers think of me. They probably think I am just fine, but my brain creates scenarios where I am deemed "not good enough for HHS" and they shuffle me off to somewhere else. I worry that new, hot-shot teachers will overshadow me and I will be just another old guy that is only good for teaching the classes that no one else wants. I WANT to do new and innovative things, but I am too insecure to step out of the box and try. I often wonder what I have to offer. I think that I'm a good teacher. I just don't know what makes me good.
I guess it all comes down to fear of failure. I know that I am not good at everything all the time. I am going to make mistakes. I would just rather make them privately so no one else knows.
Well... That's enough for now, I guess... Good night interwebs... See you next time...
Stay AWESOME...
